What PTSD Looks Like
Today my PTSD took hold and quaked me to my core. Today my family got a real, honest example of what PTSD looks like. It happened so fast that I couldn’t control it yet everything happened in slow motion. I could no longer control the feelings, I could no longer control my surroundings, I could no longer control my panic.
It exploded. It broke me.
In a fit of shaking and yelling and crying and hyperventilation, it exploded in the worst of ways and in front of my unsuspecting family. From the outside, it could be compared to something a 3 year old would do, not a grown woman. It wasn’t pretty, in fact, it was terrifying.
What I hadn’t realized before that moment was that this was the first time I was experiencing an episode outside my head rather than inside my head. Does that even make sense? Inside my head an attack is a series of voices, whispering and yelling all at the same time. It feels like everything in the world is pressing against my very being and the air is too thin to breathe. Everything moves in hyper speed yet I’m stuck in a nightmarish slow motion, trying to escape. My heart races, I feel dizzy, my muscles are stiff, I can’t catch my breath. All I want to do is escape to safety. I’m trapped. But not today, today all those things happened on the outside. Outside my head, outside my ears, outside my body.
That internal tsunami happens all the time. But rarely does anybody ever know. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2001 and have since learned to cope day to day by making lists (ha, and you thought that was just because I’m type A) to help keep things in check so I don’t feel overwhelmed. I plan outings and social events in between days of retreat and quiet. I try to avoid situations that I know are triggers for me like crowded, noisy and chaotic settings. I choose the least busy hours to do my errands. I plan to arrive early for events where the venue is new to me. I always opt to drive myself because my car is also my escape plan.
But I’m no victim.
Don’t you dare feel sorry for me.
I know full well that I cannot live hiding from my life. I want adventure and experiences and above all, I want to be present for my children when they want to do things, even as simple as going to the zoo. I know I have to go to Costco and I do want to volunteer for my kids field trips. I have to accept that PTSD is a part of who I am and a panic attack is going to be a risk, where ever I go, heck, I can have a panic attach sitting right in my own living room. But I didn’t to let it stop me from taking my daughter to see her idol, Taylor Swift in concert with 40 thousand screaming fans. I didn’t to let it stop me from accepting a once in a lifetime prize trip to New York City (the most crowded, noisy and chaotic place on earth). I didn’t to let it stop me from getting on a plane and going to a huge conference in California. I simply packed up my PTSD and my toothbrush and off we went.
I do my very best to plan and list and lean in and push on but sometimes, when I least expect it, at the most inconvenient of times, the panic brakes me. So, if I am ever with you when the panic hits, I may simply grab your arm and tell you that I have to leave. Or I’ll just step away (or run away) and collect my PTSD and shove it back in my purse. What you need to know is that I will be alright, that I am safe and that it will pass.
I’m not ashamed to tell you, right here, right now, I suffer from panic attacks due to PTSD and from time to time it might quake me and break me but I promise you this, I will always rebuild.
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Thank you for sharing this. I hope that you are able to find a place and space to center yourself again . It must have been scary for all of you to experience that. Take care, Tiffany.
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Thanks for reading Brandee. I appreciate the support.
Thank you for sharing your journey. Breaking down and it coming out can be scary and hard. But like you said….you will rebuild b/c you are one of the strongest people I know.
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Thank you Merry for coming on this journey with me.
You are human. Thanks for sharing these moments!
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Thanks Samijoe for reading.
You are so lovely sister. Hard to hear that happen to you but I know it happens to so many of us on the regular so I appreciate you giving me the word on how it goes down for you. I have mini attacks for sure but they are pretty mini I guess. I’ve been going through something the last few days that can only be called a spiritual attack and it bums me out because I’m normally so confident but I’m in a delicate place right now and this is how it is. I guess I’m in a learning transitional time but these times suck rocks and I wanna be over it. Much love chica.
I wanna go to that Roam Conference. Sounds rad. I’m trying to see if I can swing it. Wish I knew about it sooner. We shall see if a miracle can occur. <3
Thanks sister! It’s tough but hiding it is tougher. I’ll message you about Roam.
I hear and get it. As much as I don’t want to admit it. Have been there too. More nowadays than ever. Thank you for putting into words what I have always found sost impossible to do. You describe it perfectly. I have learned much in 60 years but know that I learn so much more from you and others I know share this reality. Your strength and commitment to your self wellbeing is inspiring. We are each other’s teachers and mentors in this life. Know you are never alone. And…,I’m up most nights between 2-3am! Come on over. I love you so much.
I know the fear, when the panic strikes, the feeling of loss of control….the anxiety….they are like old friends….they know your secrets….they know your weaknesses. I hate that anyone has to deal with these feelings but I thank you for being so open and honest about them. I am drowning in fear right now, fear about my future career, fear about failing…just a lot of friggin fear, but it makes me feel less alone, when I know that other people out there get it. Hugs to you my ol’ friend…..we’ll get through…we always do but sometimes it just really sucks! xoxo
Just read this out loud to my partner to try to explain amidst the chaos that is my life this is what I struggle with everyday. Depression, anxiety, PTSD along with psychic attacks being an indigo empath overwhelmed with life right now to the point not even words can describe.
This helps me feel less alone.
Thank you ElleJane for your comment. I can’t tell you how good it is to hear that this helped you. I know I’m not alone in this and it gives me comfort that you don’t feel alone either. Email me anytime!
I was recently diagnosed with PTSD after seeing my brother after he took his own life. We made it to the house before the emt’s. It’s only been a month and I feel like I’m on the verge of a panic attack daily. Thank you for sharing and giving me hope that it will get better.
Donna, first off, thank you for sharing your story with me. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Secondly, keep talking. Talk to your family, talk to your friends, talk to your therapist, talk to me, talking is the only thing that saved me and brought the storm from inside my head to the outside. You’re not alone. My email address is tiffany at MyDirt dot com. Please reach out anytime.
Thank you so much Tiffany. I will. I’ll be heading back to NJ on Wednesday and the memorial service will be the following Tuesday. I’ve also reached out to one of the rehab centers my brother went to for help with his addiction to speak to some of the people in treatment. I’m hoping to use his addiction/death to help others. I’m not sure how it will go. I’m scared to death of public speaking but I have to try. I hope your weekend is a good one.
Thank you for putting this out there, Tiff! It’s raw and honest and inspiring. XOXO
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There are distinctive signs for PTSD that everyone should be on the lookout for and should not shy away from getting help. I have been asking people to raise their voice to create awareness.