3 years cancer free doesn’t mean being free from cancer

I just realized that in mid February, I was ‘officially’ 3 years cancer free. Pretty amazing considering the last few months have been a roller coaster of lumps and tests and needles and stitches. I know the last time I updated about my health it was with a huge sigh of relief that my oncologist’s hasty diagnosis of a relapse of lymphoma was in fact benign. I couldn’t have been happier to give everyone the good news so that I didn’t have to be on anyones list of things to worry about or pray for or cook for. But the truth is that 3 years cancer free doesn’t mean being free from cancer. Once you have cancer, it’s with you all the time. I go days without thinking about it or talking about it but it’s always there in the shadows. It’s there when I buy travel insurance to go to Hawaii with my family, it’s there when I am doing yoga and my left arm no longer has the same range of motion it once had due to radiation damage, it’s there when I look in the mirror and see the red scar on my once flawless neck. It’s most certainly there when the lump under my jaw, that 3 months ago was only detectable on the PET scan, is now noticeable by looking at me.

 

 

My doctors decided that I would go from the rewarding 6 month interval follow ups, back to the more urgent 3 month follow ups to monitor the remaining lump under my jaw. The assumption is that this lump is acting the same as the one that was surgically removed from my neck in December. Follicular hyperplasia, a benign swelling of the lymph node, also known as ME, being the one and only patient that my oncologist has ever had, go from a rare form of lymphoma to a benign lymph swelling rather than a relapse! Go me!

I should go buy a lottery ticket, right?

So last Friday I had my first 3 month follow up appointment and it was no surprise that the doctor is just as worried as I am about this growing lump. Thankfully, he is being cautious and does not want to cut my neck open yet again as this would be a terrible trend should more lumps appear. The short term plan is to have 2 more appointments between now and July and make a long term plan of action this summer.

Sigh.

Yes, this sucks and yes, we’re back on high alert again but this time I have the experience of a possible relapse behind me. Experience. I know what to expect and that’s the hardest part. My friend said to me recently, “I don’t want to be burdened with so much knowledge of bad things.” and my reply to her was that having experience in bad or painful events doesn’t have to be a burden but more of a deeper education and opportunity to learn from those experiences and use them going forward in life. I’ve had the burden of having cancer, I’ve had the burden of being told I had a relapse and I currently have the burden of a growing lump but none of it is as terrifying as going thru it the first time. It’s like going thru a maze with a blindfold on. You won’t trip over that thorn bush the second time thru, will you? Should I have to walk any of these paths again, I will have the added strength of my knowledge and experience to help me thru, to calm the fear and to ease the pain. I believe this is how I have survived many of the hardships in my life. Don’t get it twisted, I am eternally grateful that I have reached this milestone albeit without any celebration or fanfare. I feel fortunate that I wake up every day feeling happy and at peace.

I may not be free from cancer in my life but today (despite the mystery lump) I am 3 years cancer free and that’s gotta count for something.