I Can Do It

Did you ever have the feeling that your life was meaningless? Without purpose?

Hold on, I know, I know. I have purpose in my kids and my family yada, yada, yada. I’m not talking about my basic human purpose in life, you know, that thing where I got married and proceeded to do my part to populate the earth with 4 girls who will likely take over the world, I’m talking about DOING something with my life to fill the non maternal side of my soul.

Maybe it’s the new year turning over, maybe it’s a mid-life crisis (can one even have a mid-life crisis at 35?), maybe it’s the fact that our financial situation isn’t as good as it once was, maybe it’s because I am surrounded by fellow mothers who have put careers on hold to have families and are now returning to them like an old friend, maybe I’m tired of feeling like I don’t contribute to our family income, maybe it’s because I have so many ideas in my head that feel useless because I’m not acting on them, maybe it’s because after more than 9 years of being a full-time stay at home mom I’m feeling like I need to do more to feel fulfilled in my life. I need to have more than school lunches, piano practices, gymnastics lessons and IPP meetings to fill my mind and my time. Maybe.

Who am I anyway?

Can I go back to being the person I was before I had kids?

Do I even want to go back to being the person I was before I had kids?

No and No.

Before I had kids I worked for a bank for many years and never viewed it as a career but rather a job. A job I was good at but didn’t like much less love. I sometimes wonder where that job would be now almost 10 years later if I had gone back to work after each baby. Would I still be working at the same job? Would I be with the same company? Would I feel trapped and without purpose like I do now? I’ll never know. But what I do know is that I can never go back to that life. I am not that person anymore. I could not sit at a desk all day pounding on my keyboard and talking on the phone. That’s so not me. However oddly enough, that’s what my kids think I do all day now. “mom, are you on facebook, again?” And to be honest, I’m tired of telling people who ask what I do that I don’t work outside the home and I’m a stay at home mom.

Ok, don’t go all feminist on me, I am very proud of my accomplishments as a mother and CEO of this crazy house that I manage to keep running 24/7. It’s no easy task and being that we as a couple chose that role for me when we had children, I don’t regret or discount the job one bit. I, just for once, would like to put some more letters behind my name on my business card other than SAHM. I read that the average person will have between 4-7 career changes in a lifetime and I’ve only had 2. I think it’s time to add another.

 

 

So now what?

I have the itch. I have some ideas. Do I have the balls? Can I get out there and try some of the things on my long list of ideas? Well once upon a time I got the idea and the itch to start a blog. I didn’t know how to do it, I didn’t know where to start and although it took me a long time to work out all the details, here I am. Over a year on the internet and I’m still blogging.

I guess the answer is YES, I can do it.What do I have to lose?

I need to do it. For me. For my sanity. For my self worth. For another chapter of my story. For my daughters to see that they can have a family and a career or 7.

Right here, right now I will make this promise in front of who ever reads this (if anyone) and put it out to the universe that I will pursue my 3rd career.

I can do it!