My Confession After Watching 13 Reasons Why

As a mother, I usually watch teen drama shows from the view of a mother. Gathering information, educating myself, preparing for the eventual topics to talk about along with the standard stuff like safe sex and “say no to drugs”. By the time I got to episode 10, 11 and 12 I realized that I wasn’t just relating to the show, I was reliving memories I hadn’t thought about in decades. For the first time in 23 years here is my confession after watching 13 Reasons Why on Netflix.

There was a time in high school that I was Hannah Baker.

I had friends. I had average grades and average attendance. I had the need and desire to be liked. A boy older than me took interest. To be honest, I wasn’t terribly interested or attracted to him but with a low self esteem, I was willing to take the attention and the company. He was interested but he certainly wasn’t into me like the boyfriends of other girls at school. He didn’t want to drive me home, which was the true sign of a school crush. He didn’t wait for me by my locker. Outside of school, however, he would call me and say all the right things. Oh the compliments. The plans he would make for wonderful, romantic dates, if only he had “more time” outside of school and work and soccer.

What he did have time for was a short visit to my house one Tuesday evening. The insecure side of me rejoiced that this was finally going to be the beginnings of a “relationship” where someone would care about me. I simply ignored the voice screaming inside of me that knew it was probably all a lie.

He didn’t want get to know me. He didn’t want to take me to a movie or a party. He only wanted to have sex. He was persistent. He was suave. He was cute. He was popular. He was saying all the things he thought I wanted to hear. And boy, did I want to hear them. I wanted him to like me. I wanted him to be my boyfriend but in that moment I finally realized what I had feared; he didn’t actually like me. I was a bet, a joke, a notch, a name on a list.

I told him, no.

He tried harder.

I told him, no.

He ignored me.

I told him, no.

Finally, he listened.

He left.

The next day at school was a blur. I looked for him in the crowds between classes to see if he would smile at me. He ignored me for the rest of the school year. I was invisible. I was alone and depressed.

I was nothing.

It wasn’t long before his friends started making jokes and throwing comments at me in the hallways. I later found out he told his friends we had sex that night. He told them details that to this day, I think, “did that really happen?” but no, it was all a lie. A lie to save face with his friends and his reputation. My already damaged self esteem didn’t have the strength to set the story straight, I simply shrugged my shoulders and ignored them. Much like Hannah in 13 Reasons Why didn’t bother to clear her name when a photo spread around school was taken out of context and presented with a different narrative, it was just too much work and besides, who would believe me anyway.

The rest of my high school days were spotted with more of the same kind of boys.

I watched the final episode of 13 Reasons Why and welled up with tears. My tears turned to crying and my crying turned to uncontrollable sobbing. I couldn’t stop. My daughter, Brigette (13) asked me why I was crying and I told her, “I’m crying because it’s sad and it’s real and it happens, every day and people don’t talk about it.”

Most of all, I cried because after 23 years, it still hurts. I’m sad because I know I wasn’t the only one. I’m sad because I could have ended up like Hannah. And here I am on the verge of turning 40 and I can’t believe that this is the first time I’m telling my story to…anyone. I am so glad that I survived those high school years to tell you about it.

If you’re reading this and you have a similar story, know that you’re not alone. Whether it was last night, last year or in the last decade, you can tell someone, you SHOULD tell someone.

In Canada – KIDS HELP PHONE 1-800-668-6868

In the USA – JED – 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

{Netflix and I are besties so from time to time we do cool stuff together; however opinions, are always my own}