Today I Hide

So this is how today went for me…I got up feeling unrested. The sun doesn’t come out. The sky is a grey, dull colour. I go thru the morning routine of getting kids fed, dressed and packed to go to the school bus all while fighting the urge to go back to my room and lock the door and crawl back into my bed and the safety of my pillow. I push on. I can’t catch my breath. I can’t get my heart rate to slow down. I have knots in my stomach and a cloud in my brain. Fog. I push on. Deep breaths. The tight feeling in my chest is not going away. I know that I have a schedule to keep. Commitments to uphold. Head is spinning. Feeling hot. Feeling faint. Feeling scared. Feeling weepy. Feeling like I’m being choked. Panic.

 

And then I stop.

 

 

Today is the first day in a long time that my panic and anxiety aka PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) caused me to give in and hide. I was in the middle of telling the twins to get their things together for music class at 9:30am. I was getting my self dressed and brushing my teeth, a wave of fear washed over me. I raised the white flag. Surrender.

I am not proud that I let the panic win. I even have emergency medication that I can take to help me overcome an attack. I don’t know why I didn’t take it. More fear perhaps. Not wanting to admit to the crutch of a substance to help me do something I should be strong enough to do on my own. Most days, I’m happy to report, are good days. I don’t think about my panic and I don’t have anxiety. I go about my day with no incident and no evidence of what bubbles beneath. But then there are the days that the panic and anxiety are close to the surface. Even the simplest of chores outside of the house (my safe place) become overwhelming mountains to climb. Going to the grocery store or volunteering at school. I can’t be around people. I can’t talk to people. I can’t be in a crowd. I’m stuck inside my head.

All I want to do is hide.

This disorder is something that I’ve had for as long as I can remember even though I was diagnosed in 2001. I’ve learned to cope and live with it but every now and then, given the right ingredients (or annoyingly none at all) an attack interrupts my life just to remind me of my brokenness. Of the pain from a time long since gone.  Brent and I joke all the time that I was “high” when we got married (hmmm, so are we legally married?) Back in 2001 when I was diagnosed it was the height of my attacks. I actually went to the doctor because I thought I was dying. We had to plan a safety net for the wedding ceremony so he plan was that if my anxiety and panic were too much someone would call Brent at the park (chosen because I needed to be outside in fresh air and not closed inside some building or church) and I would swing by in the limo and pick him and the officiant up and do the ceremony in another random park with just the 3 of us and my brides maids. As it turned out my medication got me to the ceremony at the arranged park (although Brent claims I was 45 minutes late, bah, as if) and the ceremony went beautifully as we dreamed it would. Of course, like all meds, they don’t last forever and by the reception speeches I was practically ripping the arm hairs out of my best friends arm just trying to breath and not run from my own wedding. I haven’t ever watched the wedding video but I would bet that you could see me doing a bit of rocking back and forth in my seat while looking dazed and distant. Sigh. It’s part of who I am, why shouldn’t it be part of my wedding day.

So when my throat finally relaxes and my heart rate stabilizes and I can see and think clearly, that’s when I know I’m on the other side of the mountain. I get a fresh feeling of relief and exhilaration and a little bit of “right fuckin’ on, I did it!” I feel triumphant as if I really did just overcome a huge fight. Then I tend to feel a bit tired after it’s all said and done. Hmmm, I wonder how many calories a panic attack burns?

So if you see me and I seem a bit off or if you call me and I don’t answer or if I don’t reply to your party invite or lunch date, I might be having an anxiety ridden day…but then again I just might be busy or perhaps I just don’t like you that much 😉 I guess my point is that every single person you know has an internal struggle and every now and then the person who is normally open, bright, friendly and social can have bad days like me, so  just remember to not take it personal cause we’re all struggling in some way. And thankfully, tomorrow is another day.