What Can I Do For You?

 

 

My friends keep asking me “what can I do for you?” and at this point, I honestly don’t know what to tell them. This is so new to me, this whole, telling everyone in my friend circle and publishing it to the world, that I am human and have hard days and that I will try to let them in. I’ve said the words, “nothing, right now but thank you for thinking of me” more times in the past month than I care to count but it is nice to know that so many are thinking of me at all.

My dear friend Kyla (yes, I’m outing you Kiki) wouldn’t take no for an answer and almost had an full on ALL CAPS fight via text until I finally agreed to let her order dinner for my family from another province. Even though she bullied me into it, I almost cried into my dragon roll sushi plate. Thank you Kyla. Then another group of friends pooled together and hand delivered dinner for us along with flowers. I welcomed the permission to stay hidden in my room, tucked into the safety of my puffy bed and not having to make dinner for the rest of my family.

I am trying very hard to let friends and family in. And when I say ‘in’, I mean help, I mean love, I mean be here. I mean support me. It’s so foreign and awkward that I don’t know how to handle it. For the first time, I told a friend that, yes, I do just want you to hug me. Just a hug. It was hard to admit but it was good for my heart.

Why is it so damn hard for me to let people help me? This has been a conversation I’ve had several times and the best I can come up with is basic survival instinct. Having spent most of my childhood either being the caregiver to a sick parent or raising a younger sibling or caring for myself alone, all before the age of 15, I don’t know how to lean on others for support let alone come right out and ask for it. I promise to try but it ain’t gonna be easy for me because I don’t know what I need or when I need it.

A special package showed up on my stoop the other day. Inside was a beautiful blanket and a card that read, “To hold you when you need US to be around.”

Apparently what I need to learn is that sometimes your closest friends know exactly what you need and will give it to you without being asked.

Thank you sweet friends.

Love you all.